A Must-Read Memoir

So this humorous memoir was so embarrassing, the author asked to publish it anonymously. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (or guilty!)


The roar of a mother’s voice thrashed upon her child. It was the disciplining voice coming from my mom to my four year old brother. My brother had just done something that you don’t see very often.
“Jack Testerman! What were you thinking?” my mom whispered in an angry tone as she shook her head in disbelief.
My brother just stood there quivering in terror. He began to spit out the words, “I’m sorry mommy!” My mom just stood there looking at him with a disappointed face.
She began to get louder and then yelled, “How can you say you’re sorry? Jack you pooped in their backyard! We are never going to be able to come back, ever! What were you thinking? Why would you do that?” My brother just stood there crying as he tried to calm my mom down, since my mom is a sucker for tears.
My brother explained himself by replying, “Well the doggy did it! Why isn’t he getting in trouble for it?” He looked at her with a very confused look on his face, trying to see what her response would be.
“Jack, the dog is allowed to do that. There isn’t a special bathroom for dogs. You aren’t a dog, you’re a boy. Boys have special potties in the bathroom,” my mom tried to explain.
“Well that’s weird! If dogs can do it, I should be able to do it!” He started to change his confused facial expression to a very aggravated look on his face as he looked around for the dog who started all of this.
My mom didn’t know how else to explain it any better than how she already had. She thought about how she could handle the situation without yelling any more, since obviously that wasn’t working.
She finally found the words and said in a very stern voice, “Jack, that’s just the way it is. Dogs are house pets who don’t know any better. You know better. It might not seem fair, but that’s the way it is.”
My brother started to realize that he better shut up or else things could get really bad. He decided to say sorry one more time and then left to go play downstairs with the other kids.
Let’s go back to where this all started. It was our second year living in Pennsylvania. My mom had just gotten a promotion and met this new lady at work. The woman and my mom started to become friends at work, so the woman decided to invite us over for dinner. My mom was excited and thought that we might make a new family friend. She came home that night saying that she had good news. She told us about the dinner and said that they had a daughter my age. Of course that got me excited and I couldn’t wait to go. My dad thought it was a great idea and my brother, since he was only four, didn’t care. So my mom called the woman back and told her that we would be able to come over for dinner and that we would be there around seven like they planned. When the day finally came around, my mom came home and made sure everyone was dressed and ready to go.
We got in the car and then my mom turned towards the backseat and said, “I want both of you to be on your best behavior! I want you to make a great first impression because I don’t want them thinking that I have some family with very rude and obnoxious kids.” My dad reassured her that everything would be fine. I thought the same thing, and it was, for the first hour. When we got there, I said hi to everyone and then went downstairs to play with their daughter. She was really nice and we had a lot of fun. Our parents were enjoying themselves too and seemed to be getting along. We played house for a while and then went upstairs to watch a movie.
Then, right before dinner, we heard my mom yelling, “Jack!” That’s when it all happened. My brother had just pooped on these people’s backyard; so much for a good first impression. My mom was furious, and I knew that wasn’t a good thing because that meant she would be in a bad mood for the rest of the night and we would never, in a million years, stop hearing about it.
I thought and hoped that was the end of the embarrassment, but of course, I was wrong. We had dinner and things started to go smoothly again. Everyone except for my mom was over the whole Jack thing. After all, he was only four. My mom knew that too, but she was just really embarrassed, and that’s why she was so upset.
When their daughter and I went back to watching the movie, my mom called my name. It sounded important, so I ran downstairs to see what she wanted. I was focused on getting to her quickly, so I didn’t have to make her yell again. I saw that the door was opened, so I just went straight forward with a fast pace. As I approached the door I saw my mom sitting down talking with my dad to the woman and her husband. As I was about to ask what she needed, BAM! I felt something rugged push up against my face and then I fell. I had just walked right into their brand new screen door. It popped out of its place and then fell right on top of me. I was so embarrassed and I knew that my parents were too.
“Danielle Testerman! What were you thinking? First your brother, now you! There could have been aliens attacking us right now and it would still be going smoother then tonight has been going! I told you two to behave!” my mom yelled. She began to realize that she was making an even bigger scene, so she dragged me over to the car where nobody would be listening.
“Are you going to explain yourself?” We just stood there looking at each other, then before I could say anything, she spoke again.
“I wanted this to be a nice night so that we could find some new friends and so that I made a good impression on someone I work with. I had your brother poop in their backyard; you break their new screen door. We sure do know how to make a good first impression.”
“Mom, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see the door; I was focused on getting to you.”
“You need to be more careful!”
“I know, I’m sorry!”
“Go back and say you’re sorry right now, then say goodbye. I’m saving everybody from any more embarrassment by leaving early.”
“But why? We don’t have to leave, I’m sure they are willing to give us another chance.”
“Danielle, don’t get me started. I want to leave, and that is final.”
“Okay, sorry again mom.” She just looked at me and then told me to go do what she told.
I did as my mom told and felt horrible for what had just happened. We all said goodbye and apologized for how the night had ended. Then we got in the car and left early. We never spoke to them or heard from them again. It was the most embarrassing thing of not only my life, but my family’s life as well.
I wish I could tell you that I learned something important that day, but to be honest, I can’t, because I didn’t. All I got from that night was the most embarrassing thing of my life and a funny story to tell to those who want to hear it. As much as you say you understand how we felt, you can only truly know if you were us and if you were there.