On the Lighter Side

So as everyone knows by now, we've been working on humorous memoirs in class. In this memoir, Emily does an amazing job of capturing the mind of a three-year-old version of herself while maintaining the voice of an advanced (and maybe even a bit cynical?) writer. I love how she strings the idea of the baby as "an evil alien" throughout the memoir. This extended hyperbole takes the piece to a whole new level! (Perhaps if you have read The Pearl, you will even recognize the line that she borrows from Steinbeck to inspire the whole story!)


Alien Baby

The morning was dark and damp, with grave clouds looming over the sun, threatening to engulf it. I woke up in my small pink bedroom and glared at the ballerinas that danced over my head and on my ceiling. Silently, I slipped out of bed and peered down the hallway. No one stirred and my mind raced with excitement because I could secretly watch Barney and Friends. I crept down the stairs on my small feet, eyeing the small baskets that were piled high with mountains of green and pink colored hay and half eaten chocolate rabbits.
“Hi Emmy,” came my dad’s voice, startling me from the side.
“Today, we are going to the hospital to meet your new baby sister.” He said those words with an edge of enthusiasm, and I wasn’t sure why. Slowly, I nodded my head, still slightly puzzled.
“Well, let’s get ready to go, your brother is already up.” My brother, Julian, stumbled out from my parent’s room looking half awake but already very alert.
I dressed in my favorite blue flowered dress because I knew this could very well be my last day with happiness. Julian and I were both reluctant as we dragged our bodies into the small car and into our booster seats.
When the engine was rumbling and the heat started to warm our cold toes and hands, I whispered, “We must stay strong; this thing is evil. It will destroy us.” In response, Julian nodded his head and stuck his thumb back in his mouth. I sat there for some time biting on my old pacifier that should have been taken away years ago, and thought about how much I hated this new alien I would soon meet. Before I could have more unpleasant thoughts, my heavy eyelids won over and I drifted into a deep sleep filled with evil alien babies and more of my worst nightmares.
When I finally woke up, we were at an enormous, cold, stone building. We were led into a room that smelled like old people and crackers as I fought to catch up with my dad and brother. Finally I saw my mom and smiled the big grin that always made me get my way. Maybe, I thought, if I really fought she could throw away the alien baby and we could all be happy.
I was pulled out of my imagination when my dad announced, “Meet your new sister, Evelyn Frances.” My mother smiled, although I could see how exhausted she was, and stroked what appeared to be my baby doll. I just stood in the doorway with disapproval, my three year old hand on my hip. My mother beckoned me and my brother to come closer so we walked over to see the alien. I reached out to touch its obviously inhuman hands, and the thing cringed away when I did. I was suddenly very perplexed. I examined its little bald head and tiny features that seemed so fragile a single touch could shatter its miniature bones. Cleverly, I reached out and stroked its pudgy face, and instantly regretted it when my hand was covered in wet, sticky drool.
“Does it have a little brain?” I asked unsure of the answer myself. My mother laughed lightly.
“Of course it does, it’s just like you only smaller. “ Now I was mad. This thing was not like me and definitely not part of our family.
I opened my mouth to protest, but then Julian asked, “Can I hold her?” I was utterly confused. We had had an agreement and now he wanted to hold this creature?
“Yes, but you have to be very careful.” My mother cautiously handed it to Julian. My dad came from behind me and stroked my back.
“Isn’t she beautiful?” Was everyone crazy? Now it had become all too clear to me that I would have to take her down myself.
A few days later my mother came home with the thing. I was very upset because she hadn’t just disposed of the thing. The alien had on little blue socks and a matching hat. It looked so pleasant in my mother’s arms that I knew one day it would be the end of us all. My mother set the alien in the middle of more toys than I could count when I learned to count. I plopped down next to it and examined every move, every gurgle, and every burp. I looked at the toys in longing to play one or at least touch them. I waited to see if this new creature was at least polite. The selfish thing did not offer me any of its many toys so, unsatisfied, I walked away. I was hurt, confused, but most of all, vengeful.
I woke up, frazzled and tired, because the alien had cried the whole night, allowing me no sleep at all. Before I tiptoed down the stairs, I grabbed my McDonald’s spy kit I had gotten yesterday. I took out the binoculars and scoped out the living room for the alien. Just as I had suspected, it was peacefully rocking back and forth in its little cradle. I sang low and whispery, “Rock a bye baby in the tree tops, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, and down will come baby cradle and all.” Surreptitiously, I snuck over to its cradle and leaned in so I could get a good grip on it. I clumsily picked it up, and started to escape when I heard my mother gasp.
“Em, what are you doing? If you wanted to hold the baby that bad, you could’ve just asked.” She came over and swooped it from my arms. I stood there for a while and stared at her, dumbfounded. I slowly walked away and ran up to my room where I could make plans for the next attack.
This next plan would be so devious and evil, the alien would have to leave. I went into my small kitchen and found just what I needed to set the trap. Slowly and carefully, I set the animal crackers in a trail from the alien’s cradle to the laundry room. I sat in the laundry room and waited for the small creature to follow the track. I peeked out the door and saw it picking up each animal cracker, try to chew it, then give up and throw it back onto the floor. However, it was following my trail. I was within grabbing distance of the creature when it started to babble.
“Gargggg goo blubbbleee.” My mother would hear it and come rushing. I had to act quickly. I grabbed the alien and pulled it into my lair. I didn’t know what to do next because I hadn’t got this far in my plan. Just when I was about to try to build a human catapult out of towels and toilet paper, it shoved something in my mouth. At my shocked expression, it started to clap its hands and laugh ecstatically. I pulled the object from my mouth, realizing that the alien had shoved an animal cracker in my mouth, obviously trying to choke me. Now, I earned a new respect for the creature. The sun peaked out from behind the ashen clouds, hinting a new beginning. Maybe one day we could be partners in crime. Maybe, just maybe, I could grow to like my new sister.